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I Know I'm Enough Now

Since that night, I never stopped thinking about how much I'm worth. Do I amount to something? Am I worth a glance when I was just easily discarded one night last July like I'm some worthless piece of trash?

Since that night, I've started to look at myself with disgust. I look at my naked self in the mirror and began seeing the imperfections I usually ignore. The flaws I have on my body began to look like marks of shame I couldn't erase as they were stitched through my being, permanently there for life. I scrutinized every inch of my skin, obsessing how to make all of them disappear.

Since that night, I've lost the little confidence I had that I once built up for so long. The issues I've learned how to ignore began coming back. The little voices inside my head whispering the insecurities I should feel ashamed of became louder. Each time I see my face in the mirror, it becomes more and more flawed.

It was an excruciating cycle of waking up and having to deal with what I have. I came to a point where I just stopped caring at all. I stopped caring about being healthy, I stopped caring about being presentable, I stopped caring about how others would perceive me.

The insecurities became even more overbearing. And it didn't just stop with my body issues.

Since that night, I started second-guessing all the decisions I've made throughout the years. I started questioning the goals I've "achieved". I started doubting all the paths I've taken. Was what I really "achieved" over the years worth to be proud of?

I look at myself and I see, not a woman, but a girl, lost and confused. An engineer but only by name. A writer but only in dreams. A hustler but only by chance. I've never felt so small in my life. So much potential with no proof to show how that potential manifested. 25 and still struggling.

I look back and there's something inside of me that regretted doing a lot of things. I regretted giving everything to a boy who changed his mind. I regretted spending all those times thinking that it was going to last. There even came a time I regretted loving you.

I made a mess of the life I have. I took sudden turns without looking at the side mirrors. I tried to take the paths that I thought were right. I took in poison just so I could experience nirvana.

Having a broken wing when you were very used to flying was difficult. I didn't know how to walk on my own. I tried so hard to get a crutch but what I really needed was to learn that healing properly is what's going to be the best for me even if that means never flying again.

After months of healing or at least trying to, I still cannot say that I'm okay. But the silver lining is I know now that I'm going to be okay.

Slowly, I've begun seeing the adventures I could live someday. I've begun making a list of goals again after being listless. I've begun seeing the light at the dark, dark tunnel I've been trudging in for so long. I'm finally having hope again. Hope that I'm going to see my old self again. The self who was self-assured, who was a dreamer, who was full of vigor to go through whatever life has to offer, who was excited at the unknown.

I think I passed through the peak of despair. I'm crying now not because I'm hurting. I'm crying now because I'm relieved that I'm over the worst. I'm crying because I could finally see myself living happily without you. Kaya ko pala. I'm crying because I didn't think I could say these words.

For months, I battled with the inner demon in me who didn't want to say goodbye to you. But now, I finally know how to. And it may have been a long ride, but I can finally be at peace. I may still be 25 and struggling but coming out alive with what I've been through gave me hope that I can now face what's ahead of me.

I may not have been enough for you. But I know now that I'm enough for me. x

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About Renee Alexis

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Renee Alexis Taladua, 25, is a licensed metallurgical engineer who has left the field in search of a more fulfilling work lifestyle. She has a great love for books and new adventures. Her Goodreads profile suggests that her taste in books vary over time, depending on her mood and her current life situation.

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