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Day 366

This day exactly a year ago, the man I loved so much decided I wasn’t worth it anymore and it crushed me and broke my world apart. The future I saw together with him vanished in just a blink of an eye. Everything turned to dust as he left, not once looking back. My soul was lost. Everything I was came crashing down. Giving everything to this man who just eventually changed his mind made me realize to never trust anyone with your whole heart because you never know that they will be the exact ones who’ll break you to pieces when the time comes. But then, as I went through the phases of grief, I came to learn that pain is a part of life. No matter how unfair it is, no matter how we think we didn’t deserve to go through it, once it’s there, you only have 2 options. Either you let that pain eat you up or you feel it and learn how to move past it.

I used to let the grief take over my life. Eventually, I learned how to accept the way things are going, I learned that I can never turn back time and let the things go back to the way they used to be. I learned that I will never have any control over what the other person feels. I learned that the only thing I have a say and control over is how I’m going to react on how life turns out to be.

After a year of grieving over my failed relationship, I finally learned how to accept that it was never meant to be and that things will never go back to the way they were before. I accepted that God has other plans for me and that whatever those plans are, they are way better than what I had.

I finally learned how to say goodbye to all the memories I held on so hard. I finally learned to let him go slowly as each day went by.

I’ve made a handful of impulsive decisions over the year - quitting the freelancer life I’ve been dreaming of having since I found out I’m not cut out to be an engineer, leaving my home, my family and moving to a new country prematurely, and now getting inked. I chose the word “fearless” for my first ink because it symbolizes my battle. This heartache I’ve been going through got me to places I could only just imagine. And yes, I may have been through the lowest of lows but getting through them made me think that I could weather the odds coming my way. As what Taylor Swift said, 
“Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. “ 
And that just resonated deep within me that it was no doubt at all that my first tattoo should be fearless.

It’s been a hell of a ride since that night a year ago. But I’ve been doing okay now, so far. So I hope this is one of the last letters I’ll be writing regarding you. I’m going to be okay, love. Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy. I hope you are well and healthy. I finally know how to say goodbye now. Goodbye, love, I wish you well.

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About Renee Alexis

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Renee Alexis Taladua, 25, is a licensed metallurgical engineer who has left the field in search of a more fulfilling work lifestyle. She has a great love for books and new adventures. Her Goodreads profile suggests that her taste in books vary over time, depending on her mood and her current life situation.

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