If Not Now, When??

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

I'm quitting my job and I'm so excited!
These words might be something I cannot imagine saying when I was the Renee a year ago. A year ago, I was very eager and hungry to be an adult - an independent, working adult to be exact. I was honestly so excited to get out of the house to earn money for myself so I can do whatever the hell I want without people judging and bugging me. But right now, having tasted what I have longed to happen, I found out that there is something I still have not achieved. And I believe that is being happy with what I'm doing.

I have started feeling listless with my current situation last year when I felt that I wasn't really going anywhere with the life I'm leading. I mean, I wasn't enjoying what I was doing anymore, I barely even look forward to waking up every day to go to work. I wasn't learning new things about my profession anymore, it was like I'm stuck in a hole being filled with mud and the longer I'm staying, the greater the force of it sucking me until I won't be able to move out. I kept thinking about what my next move would be. I talked about it to my close friends and family. While they have different views about my situation, I realized then that I was the one who has to make the decision because I am the one who will be living by it after. I prayed and prayed for guidance. I prayed and prayed for a light to be shown on which path I should take. I prayed and prayed for a sense of direction.

Months later, I was basked in light and was shown a possible future if I will do what I have been thinking/planning to do. And I think it was the way of the Lord saying that it was time for me to do it. I started being enthusiastic again and planned out what my next steps should be. And I finally came up with a decision last month.

I'm still not sure of what will happen to me in the next months to follow, but right now, leaving my current job is all that I can think about, and it's the thing I look forward to the most. Yes, it is scary and there is a huge part of me that wonders what will become of me after this phase. How will I cope up with life without a stable job? How will I be that independent woman I've always wanted to be if I become unemployed? What will become of me after I leave this place? The questions and what-ifs are unending but I didn't once doubt that my decision to resign was the best thing I am doing for myself.

You may think that I must have been out of my mind to let go of a stable job to venture out into the unknown. I've read something on Facebook some days ago about resigning and being jobless, and that doing this was just probably me being maarte and that I am the reason why I'm not happy. I beg to differ. I am not being lazy nor complacent. I am especially not being maarte. Would you really have to stick with something that's making you unhappy for the past several months just because you're afraid to be out of the norm? Or to simply put it, that you're afraid that you won't have a job anymore? Would you really suck up with where you are now just because you're afraid that you will fail in the process of reaching out and chasing your dreams and goals? This was the dilemma that has been eating up my brain in the past year.

Why am I even working here? Am I even making a difference for the world or more importantly, for myself? Does being here gives me a sense of purpose? Because for the longest time, I have been feeling lost. Yes, I was thankful that I was given a job so soon after I got my license because I know how a struggle it is to find a job, especially with what's been happening in my field today. But now that I feel that I have somewhere else to be, I decided to let it all go so that I can start chasing after what I really want. Money isn't everything - this is what I tell myself. Although of course, I need money to sustain myself, duhh, haha. What I am trying to say is that I don't want money to be the sole reason why I keep on doing this job even if it is destroying me to my core. I want to have a job that makes me happy, that keeps giving me purpose, a job that keeps me excited and makes me enjoy doing it in the process. I know this is something that is easier said than done and is too good to be true but I am young and it's my right to dream, yes?

It's time to start chasing the dream because if I won't do it now, until when will I have to suffer on a daily basis just because of my fear of the irrational? I'm taking the first step to break the cycle. I'm doing it now when I still have the time to experiment. 😊

If not now, when?

I know it wouldn't be easy, nothing is. And I'm pretty sure I will struggle at first, but I am optimistic that I will have an even greater time afterward and I am so excited for the next phase to come through. I'm up for a challenge and I have a backup plan, you know. I just really hope that this will all work out. *crossed fingers*

Lord, guide me and give me the strength I need to go on when life becomes too hard. ❤

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