I'm Lost and I'm trying to Find my way back

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Trying to survive this thing they call quarter-life crisis

There's this feeling of dread inside me that has been eating me alive lately. I've been putting on a brave face since because I don't want people to worry about me. It's difficult but I just have to do everything I can to survive this life.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling lost more than ever. I had mini anxiety attacks and I almost had a breakdown while I was at work because I felt that it was too much to handle...that the world was too much to bear. People around me see me as someone who is as adaptable as the leaves blowing in the wind. They see me as someone who laughs at problems and never giving them the time of day. They see me as someone who takes the world by stride, as someone who's brave and fearless and strong. But I am not that tough. I am not that brave. I am not that fearless. I just seem to be that way because I wanted you to see me that way.

There are times that I think I am that person. I'd feel that I can really conquer the world, that I can face my fears, that I can brave them all. But then I would realize that I was just wearing a mask all along. And I chose to do so because I want them all to believe that I am the person I imagine myself to be. And it sucks when I am slapped with the hard truth that I am not what I intended myself to be.

I have been really trying to live life positively. Over the years, I've really improved a lot! I embraced my flaws and the mistakes I made along my journey, I forgave myself for being all the negative things I was. I've reached milestones in achieving my personal goals. But these days, I found it difficult to stay as laid-back as I was before. Could it be possible that I am slowly easing back to who I used to be before? No, it's not possible. After all the things I've sacrificed, I refuse to go back to my old insecure self again.

I know this phase in my life is just a challenge, an obstacle I have yet to overcome. I just need to persevere and find the strength to push my limits.

How do you bounce back from falling down in a deep narrow pit? How do you stop the panic and the fear of what's to come? My irrational fear of the future and of failure is what's holding me back to do things. Help me, God. You're the only One who can erase these sufferings of anxiety and fear.

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