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I'm Scared of Change...

I want so many things in life but I don't know where to begin. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of getting out of my comfort zone but I think that this is the next best thing for me to do. I'm scared of the harsh reality. I'm scared of the probable outcomes of the decisions that I'll make. I'm scared of being nothing after being something. I'm scared of becoming a disappointment. I'm scared of moving on.
 
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Seven years ago, I was but an incoming freshman in a university down south. I was a young (probably naive) engineering student who wants nothing more than to prove herself that she can finish what she has started and make do with the decisions she has made. I wasn't fully aware of what becoming an engineer really means, but I was hungry enough to pursue it and succeed.

Many have questioned my choice, many have questioned if I can really make it. Giving up has never once come up in my mind. The doubts the people had on me just kept me more focused on my goal, their doubts just fueled my desire to prove them all wrong. For five and a half years, I endured the pressure coming both from my parents and my peers. I graduated and then a year after, I passed the board exam, got my license and was finally employed. I was proud of myself - proud that I have finally done it, that I can finally let them all see that I made the right choice because I succeeded. But then, did I?

Fast forward to ten months later and I began to question myself if I had truly made the right choice. I'm currently working for almost 8 months now in the same company who hired me last year. At first, I was excited to learn the perks of my chosen career and I was ecstatic to apply what I have learned in school. I was very eager to be mentored and taught of the different aspects of metallurgy. I thought I would be passionate in field work. Guess I was wrong.

Lately, I've been feeling unhappy with the life I'm leading. I don't know if it has anything to do with the workplace or the people I work with or with the nature of work that I have. I desperately want change, but I'm scared. I want to quit this corporate job and try my luck with freelancing and online jobs or whatever and just really focus on my blog. I have a feeling that I'll be good with it. I know what I'll earn by then would be a far cry from what I'm earning now but what is money if you don't enjoy the job you're doing for earning it?

Blogging has been my comfort ever since I returned doing it early this year and I think I've found what I'm most passionate about now. I've been so consumed with making other people happy - my bosses, my parents, my co-workers, that I've forgotten to check with my own. Every day, doing the same thing over and over again has been becoming a burden. My day just basically consist of waking up at 5:50 AM, taking a bath by 6:00 AM, getting ready by 6:30, finishing breakfast by 6:45 AM, going to work by 7 until 5 to 6-ish PM and then going home to either read a book or watch a movie (the latter being the most done these past few days), and repeat. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with the same things every single day for six weeks straight. It's excruciating, a one week break from all of it isn't even enough. And add up to that pile on how the management of this company sucks, big time. I'm stuck in a loop and I don't even like what I'm doing anymore.

I've been motivating and trying to talk myself into applying to other companies. There have been some that were hiring but I let them all pass because I'm scared. I've sent an application to one company, though, but I'm secretly praying that they won't contact me. Even though I'm disliking my situation right now, I'm scared of diving into another that I know in my heart I'm not ready for. I'm afraid of beginning again. I'm afraid of going to a different place. I'm afraid that I might regret my decisions. I'm afraid of starting all over again. I know I must sound crazy, but am I alone in feeling restless like this?

I've been thinking about all the great things I could do if I quit this job (this career to be blunt) but that's the beauty of imagination, you don't get to see all the bad things that could happen along the way. I've blogged about how I can be an inveterate over-thinker and that's exactly what I'm always doing when I'm thinking of doing life-changing decisions. I think of the very good things first, and then comes all the possible bad things that could happen later. I exhaust myself sometimes, I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I don't know what else to do about it. I can't see where I will be in the next 3 years anymore like I used to, and that's what’s making me sad/frustrated/depressed.

I used to be a goal-setter and visualizer, I used to be driven, I used to be very ambitious. What changed, Ren? I guess having people expecting too much from you makes you think twice about your actions, and when you've already thought twice, you'd think about it all over again just to run through with the plan and then before you know it, you've fallen in a loop of just thinking about it in circles making sure that nothing would be amiss until everything is…

Comments

  1. Awee. This is actually what I'm afraid of, too, te ren. You know, I got ECE as my course at first but I knew in the first place that I will terribly fail in that field so I transferred to Chem. Engg bc I think I can manage it. Pero huhu why do I feel I won't be happy with my job kung ma-engineer nako? Right now, I am certain nga dili ko ganahan sa ako ma-trabaho kay feel nako it's just going to be a routine, signing in and out everyday, stuck in a company for 8 hours. Just not my thing. Gusto nalang ko mag artista kay makalaag and all. Haha joke pero irdk. Mahadlok jud ko mugraduate in a way na after college kay it's real world najud. Haha nagshare lang ko te, so you'll know that you're not really alone, being scared of the future. Let's just see what happens nalang? Haha.

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    1. Gil! Grabe, I can totally feel you. I don't know if I have the right to give you an advice because I'm feeling the same way and I don't know what to do with my own. Lisod kaayo mag make ug decision knowing nga ang imong future ang at stake. Siguro, all I can say to you right now is evaluate yourself. Think about the things you want to do, not about the things you think you need to do. Kay in the end, imong happiness man gihapon ang maapektuhan ana. (Am I making any sense?) That was what I did and right now, I'm not feeling great about it. I'm not saying na I regretted taking up engineering, I'm saying na unta ato na mga times during my college year, I could have seen na I'm not suited to this kind of work diay. I'm still uncertain sa akong feelings, daghan pa kaayo kog gina-think. Sige lang, I will pray and ask God for guidance, I know He has a plan for me, for all of us. :)

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  2. "But that's the beauty of imagination, you don't get to see all the bad things that could happen along the way."

    I love this line!! It's okay Renee, I'm feeling the same exact thing. I can actually copy this on my journal because I can relate on every word. I also want to go freelance and just blog. If only I'm just brave enough. BUT I know we can survive this quarter life crisis, just keep praying. :)

    Congrats on your own domain btw!! :)

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    1. Hi, Be :) I'm relieved to find others who have been feeling this kind of crisis. Yes, wouldn't it be "the life" if we can do what we love and earn from it? That's becoming my dream right now, and I should probably turn it into my goal. I'm glad you share my sentiments and yes (again), we should keep praying. God will lead our way, always :)

      Thanks! Haha, I've never been this happy since I passed the board exam. ^_^

      xoxo

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  3. I feel ya! The struggle is real!

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  4. Change is also my biggest fear. I love my comfort zones, I love knowing what's going to happen in life. It's hard! But I suppose still necessary..and a lot of the times that scary change brings so much good!

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    1. I know, change is scary! But it's the one thing that's consistent in this world so we are expected to adapt. It can be hard, like what I'm experiencing right now, but I know it will be okay eventually. :) Thanks for dropping by Sarah!

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  5. Hang in there, sometimes taking that leap of faith is exactly what you need to get in the right direction. Keep looking for your passion and keep pushing forward!

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    1. Thank you for the kind words, Kristin. I will! xx

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  6. I've been through the same thing too Renee. Ever since I have always been inside my shell and this thing called blogging that I have learned to love has made me come out of my shell slowly but surely. I have always been inside my comfort zone as well. Even until now. I haven't come out fully yet. I know I can do something but I'm afraid. I'm not that confident about myself too. I consider myself average. I have thought of leaving my current job too but it's a very difficult decision for me because my situation is far different from yours. I have a baby to support. And leaving a job to pursue full time blogging and freelancing is such a big big risk. I have thought of it many times but it's the welfare of my baby that holds me back...

    If you're not really happy with what you're doing now, go for what you really want. Go chase your dreams! :)

    xx, Wandering Ella

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    1. I understand where you're coming from, Ella. It's always the welfare of the ones we love that holds us back. I feel the same way because I feel like my parents depend on me and I don't want to disappoint them, letting the money they spent for my education go to waste just because I don't really feel it anymore. It's hard to make a decision right now. Maybe I should sleep on it for a few more days, or even months. But I will definitely follow what my heart beats when I am sure of it.

      Thanks for your words, Ella! xx

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About Renee Alexis

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Renee Alexis Taladua, 25, is a licensed metallurgical engineer who has left the field in search of a more fulfilling work lifestyle. She has a great love for books and new adventures. Her Goodreads profile suggests that her taste in books vary over time, depending on her mood and her current life situation.

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