I'm Scared of Change...

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I want so many things in life but I don't know where to begin. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of getting out of my comfort zone but I think that this is the next best thing for me to do. I'm scared of the harsh reality. I'm scared of the probable outcomes of the decisions that I'll make. I'm scared of being nothing after being something. I'm scared of becoming a disappointment. I'm scared of moving on.
  
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Seven years ago, I was but an incoming freshman in a university down south. I was a young (probably naive) engineering student who wants nothing more than to prove herself that she can finish what she has started and make do with the decisions she has made. I wasn't fully aware of what becoming an engineer really means, but I was hungry enough to pursue it and succeed.

Many have questioned my choice, many have questioned if I can really make it. Giving up has never once come up in my mind. The doubts the people had on me just kept me more focused on my goal, their doubts just fueled my desire to prove them all wrong. For five and a half years, I endured the pressure coming both from my parents and my peers. I graduated and then a year after, I passed the board exam, got my license and was finally employed. I was proud of myself - proud that I have finally done it, that I can finally let them all see that I made the right choice because I succeeded. But then, did I?

Fast forward to ten months later and I began to question myself if I had truly made the right choice. I'm currently working for almost 8 months now in the same company who hired me last year. At first, I was excited to learn the perks of my chosen career and I was ecstatic to apply what I have learned in school. I was very eager to be mentored and taught of the different aspects of metallurgy. I thought I would be passionate in field work. Guess I was wrong.

Lately, I've been feeling unhappy with the life I'm leading. I don't know if it has anything to do with the workplace or the people I work with or with the nature of work that I have. I desperately want change, but I'm scared. I want to quit this corporate job and try my luck with freelancing and online jobs or whatever and just really focus on my blog. I have a feeling that I'll be good with it. I know what I'll earn by then would be a far cry from what I'm earning now but what is money if you don't enjoy the job you're doing for earning it?

Blogging has been my comfort ever since I returned doing it early this year and I think I've found what I'm most passionate about now. I've been so consumed with making other people happy - my bosses, my parents, my co-workers, that I've forgotten to check with my own. Every day, doing the same thing over and over again has been becoming a burden. My day just basically consist of waking up at 5:50 AM, taking a bath by 6:00 AM, getting ready by 6:30, finishing breakfast by 6:45 AM, going to work by 7 until 5 to 6-ish PM and then going home to either read a book or watch a movie (the latter being the most done these past few days), and repeat. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with the same things every single day for six weeks straight. It's excruciating, a one week break from all of it isn't even enough. And add up to that pile on how the management of this company sucks, big time. I'm stuck in a loop and I don't even like what I'm doing anymore.

I've been motivating and trying to talk myself into applying to other companies. There have been some that were hiring but I let them all pass because I'm scared. I've sent an application to one company, though, but I'm secretly praying that they won't contact me. Even though I'm disliking my situation right now, I'm scared of diving into another that I know in my heart I'm not ready for. I'm afraid of beginning again. I'm afraid of going to a different place. I'm afraid that I might regret my decisions. I'm afraid of starting all over again. I know I must sound crazy, but am I alone in feeling restless like this?

I've been thinking about all the great things I could do if I quit this job (this career to be blunt) but that's the beauty of imagination, you don't get to see all the bad things that could happen along the way. I've blogged about how I can be an inveterate over-thinker and that's exactly what I'm always doing when I'm thinking of doing life-changing decisions. I think of the very good things first, and then comes all the possible bad things that could happen later. I exhaust myself sometimes, I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I don't know what else to do about it. I can't see where I will be in the next 3 years anymore like I used to, and that's what’s making me sad/frustrated/depressed.

I used to be a goal-setter and visualizer, I used to be driven, I used to be very ambitious. What changed, Ren? I guess having people expecting too much from you makes you think twice about your actions, and when you've already thought twice, you'd think about it all over again just to run through with the plan and then before you know it, you've fallen in a loop of just thinking about it in circles making sure that nothing would be amiss until everything is…
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